For an ADHD-er a Little Positivity Can Go a Long Way

Dylan sat in his classroom, head down on his desk, refusing to look up for the rest of the period.  When the bell rang, all the other students left, but he stayed, shoulders slumped, and head buried in his folded arms.  The teacher gently said his name, and when he picked up his head she saw his red, tear streaked face, and a look of utter defeat. 

“What happened?” the teacher asked, mystified by what was going on:  he had seemed fine until all of a sudden he wasn’t.   The class had been asked to look up an article about, “Abraham Lincoln,” on their iPads, but all of the enticing clickable links in the article took him down a rabbit hole that led him instead to, “Jack the Ripper.”  When the teacher saw it she gave him a demerit for being off-task, and that’s when Dylan dissolved.  Between gasps, he said to her, “I can NEVER do anything right.  I was trying so hard today, and honestly I don’t even know how that happened.  But it doesn’t matter because this ALWAYS happens.  And now I’m going to go home and get in trouble…again.  My parents are going to say, ‘Why can’t you be more like your older brother, and why can’t you just get through one day at school without causing problems?’  And you know what…I DON’T KNOW!” 

This is a true story about one boy with ADHD.  But if you change a few details, it could easily be any number of ADHD kids – or ADHD adults – who deal with the daily drumbeat of negative messages and feelings of failure.  The neurotypical world sets the standards for behavior, and when neurodivergents break those rules, boy do they hear about it.  The steady stream of negative messages that people with ADHD receive can come overtly, in the form of critical comments, sarcasm, and unfair judgments.  Or it can come covertly, by well-meaning people who don’t understand neurodiversity, and inadvertently say or do something that triggers a spiral of shame.  Either way, for people with ADHD negative self-narratives get internalized early and often, and can become one of the biggest stumbling blocks for moving forward, feeling confident, and experiencing success in later life.

Dr. John Gottman, the acclaimed clinician and scientist known for his groundbreaking work on relational health and interpersonal dynamics, has identified something called the, “5:1 Magic Ratio,” for feeling secure and happy in relationships.  The ,“Magic Ratio,” says that a person needs five positive “inputs” to balance out the impact of one negative “input.”  An “input,” can be verbal or nonverbal, intentional or unconscious – it’s anything that communicates to someone a negative or a positive message about who they are.  Gottman’s point is that we humans internalize negative inputs much more deeply than positive ones.  Over time, if that 5:1 positive-to-negative ratio gets tilted so that there are fewer positives to offset the negatives, we can internalize beliefs about ourselves that cause us to feel shame, depression, and hopelessness.

Now think about how someone with ADHD is moving through a neurotypical world –  at school, at home, at work – and consider how frequently they hear negative messages:  “You’re late again.”  “You’re not paying attention.”  “Stop interrupting.”  “You are so good at sports…why can’t you finish your homework?” “You’re overreacting.”  “You need a better work ethic.”  They pile up over time until sometimes, like for Dylan, it just becomes too much to handle.

What if we began to rebalance that ratio for someone in our lives who has ADHD?   Here are three ideas for sowing seeds of positivity in the neurodivergent people we care about:

1.        Name and notice strengths:   When you see someone persevering through difficulty, making a positive difference in the lives of others, bettering themselves, or doing something you appreciate, let them know.  Be specific and personal.   “I'm so glad you're going to lead our project - your creative thinking is perfect for it,” or, "I know that math homework was tough for you - good job sticking with it," or, "Your sense of humor totally lightened the mood of that meeting."

2.        Let them know you see them:  People with ADHD often feel like it's their job to understand the demands of the neurotypical world and adjust when they get it wrong. Instead of immediately pointing out what someone got wrong and telling them what they should have done better, try starting a sentence with a phrase that makes them feel seen and understood. “I don’t blame you for…” or, “That must have felt….”  or, "I get why...." Letting people know they are seen will lower their stress and open the door for positive connection.

3.        Celebrate wins – even “small” ones:  For someone with ADHD, finishing a task, getting somewhere on time, adjusting to a change, or figuring out a way to be more organized can be a big deal.  So (without sounding patronizing), acknowledge and celebrate their wins.  It can be as simple as saying, “great job today,” or, “that idea you had worked really well.” 

By the way…all three of these ideas can work in any relationship.  And they work well when we say these things to ourselves too! But for someone with  ADHD who is struggling to fit in a neurotypical world, hearing words that them move toward that 5:1 Magic Ratio can be incredibly a life-giving and motivating.

-- Ellen